Why Do Siblings Fight After a Death in the Family?

When a parent or close family member dies, it can be one of the most emotionally overwhelming times in a person’s life. For siblings, it can also become a period of unexpected conflict. Many people are surprised to find that, instead of pulling together in shared grief, siblings may start arguing, distancing, or even cutting ties. Why does this happen? The answer is layered, emotional, and deeply human.

1. Grief Doesn’t Look the Same for Everyone

Each sibling experiences loss through their own emotional lens. One might be outwardly expressive, another stoic. One may throw themselves into planning the funeral, while another avoids everything. These differences can easily be misinterpreted:

• "You’re not crying enough."

• "You’re making this all about you."

• "You don’t care."

In truth, these are all expressions of grief. But when pain is raw, any emotional difference can feel like a personal attack.

2. Old Family Roles and Wounds Re-emerge

Loss can push people into a state of emotional regression. Siblings may slip back into long-standing roles:

• The "responsible one" tries to control everything.

• The "lost child" disappears or avoids.

• The "golden child" asserts authority.

• The "scapegoat" feels blamed or ignored.

These roles are often unspoken and deeply embedded. A crisis like death magnifies them, bringing unresolved childhood pain to the surface.

3. Conflict Over the Will or Possessions

Disagreements about the estate, finances, or even who gets sentimental items are rarely just about money or objects. They're often about fairness, recognition, and emotional inheritance:

• "I deserve this because I was the caregiver."

• "You were always the favorite."

• "I just want something to remember them by."

Grief can heighten sensitivity and turn small decisions into symbolic battles.

4. The Family System Has Been Disrupted

The death of a parent, especially the last surviving one, often shakes the foundation of the family. Without that central figure, siblings may feel emotionally adrift. Questions about who now holds the family together arise. Old tensions resurface. Identity and family structure suddenly shift.

This can bring existential anxiety and fear to the surface, which may manifest as anger, detachment, or control.

5. Grief Amplifies Unspoken Emotions

Loss doesn’t just bring sadness—it can also stir up guilt, regret, resentment, and grief for what never was. These emotions often get misdirected:

• Unprocessed guilt becomes blame.

• Unspoken sadness becomes withdrawal.

• Powerlessness becomes anger.

It’s easier to fight about logistics than to sit with heartbreak.

How Can Families Cope with This?

Conflict after a death doesn’t mean a family is broken. It means the emotional load is simply too heavy to carry the way people are used to. Here are a few things that help:

• Acknowledge that grief is individual and no one does it the same way.

• Name the family roles that may be resurfacing.

• Take breaks from emotionally charged conversations.

• Seek a grief counselor or mediator for big decisions.

• Focus on shared values: honoring the loved one, preserving connection, or protecting peace.

Final Thoughts

If you’re in the middle of this kind of family tension, know this: you're not alone. The pain of grief often echoes through every old wound and memory. What feels like a fight may actually be a cry for safety, for recognition, for love.

Healing is possible—even if it takes time, boundaries, and support. You can honor your loved one not only in ritual, but in the way you choose to move forward.

And sometimes, choosing peace means grieving both the person you lost and the family you wish you had.

Contact Bee Blissful today if you are dealing with the loss of a loved one.

Setting Boundaries With Children

Setting boundaries with children so they don’t “run all over you” is essential — not just for your sanity, but for their development too. Kids actually feel safer and more secure when they know what the rules and limits are, even if they test them.

Here’s how to set clear, respectful, and consistent boundaries with kids — without guilt or yelling:

Get Clear on Your Limits First

Before you communicate a boundary, know what your non-negotiables are.

• Ask: What am I okay with? What drains me? What’s realistic?

• Example: “I’m not okay with being interrupted while I’m working.”

State the Boundary Calmly and Firmly

Use clear, direct language. Avoid long explanations — kids respond best to short, confident messages.

• “I won’t buy toys when we’re grocery shopping.”

• “You can play after homework is done.”

Stay Consistent

This is key. If you set a rule, but give in half the time, kids will learn to push every time.

• Stick to the consequence, even if they melt down.

• Use a calm mantra like: “I know it’s hard. The rule stays the same.”

Use Choices and Natural Consequences

Giving kids a sense of control within the boundary increases cooperation.

• “You can do your chores now or after dinner. If you choose not to, there won’t be screen time.”

• “If you leave your toys out, they’ll go in the basket until tomorrow.”

Model the Respect You Expect

Children mirror adult behavior. If you want respect, model respect — even when setting firm boundaries.

• Use “I” statements instead of blame.

• “I need quiet while I’m on the phone.”

Expect Pushback — and Hold the Line

Kids pushing limits doesn’t mean you’re failing — it means the boundary is working and being tested.

• Don’t take it personally.

• Stay calm and repeat the rule as needed.

Don’t Explain Yourself to Exhaustion

Over-explaining signals that the rule is negotiable.

• Use brief explanations once. Then stick to: “You know the rule.”

Offer Empathy Without Changing the Limit

Validate their feelings while holding the boundary.

• I know you’re upset you can’t stay up later. I get it. And bedtime is still 8:00.”

Script Examples:

• “I’m not available to play right now. You can choose a quiet activity.”

• “We clean up toys before dinner. That’s the rule.”

• “It’s okay to be mad. You still need to speak respectfully.”

• “When you yell, I won’t keep talking. I’ll listen when you’re calm.”

In Summary:

Boundaries ≠ being mean.
They’re an act of love that teach children respect, responsibility, and emotional safety.

Contact Bee Blissful today if you'd like help creating a personalized boundary plan or routine chart based on your child's age and common challenges.

Exploring and Processing Emotions Surrounding Family Dynamics Through Narrative Therapy

Narrative Therapy helps clients reframe their experiences by externalizing problems, reconstructing personal narratives, and finding empowerment in their own stories. Processing and making sense of family dynamics, particularly in difficult relationships is paramount in personal growth.

Steps for Exploration and Processing in Narrative Therapy

1. Externalizing the Problem

• Separates the client from the issue by personifying it.

  • Example: “If your relationship were a story, what title would it have?”

  • This will help to encourage the client to see guilt, obligation, or resentment as external forces rather than intrinsic traits.

2. Creating a Coherent Life Narrative

• Guides the client in telling their story in a structured way to recognize patterns.

  • Asks questions like:

    • “How has your [father]’s role in your life evolved over time?”

    • “What moments stand out as particularly defining in your relationship?”

  • Encourages the client to write or verbally express a timeline of key family events and emotional responses.

3. Identifying Dominant vs. Alternative Narratives

• Helps the client recognize negative narratives that reinforce distress (e.g., “I owe my [father] everything” or “I’ll never be free from expectations”).

• Introduces alternative narratives that highlight resilience and autonomy.

  • Example: “Even though my [father] has been controlling, I have still made independent choices.”

4. Rewriting the Narrative with Empowerment

• Encourages the client to retell thier story with self-compassion and agency rather than guilt or blame.

  • Example activity:

    • Writing a letter to your younger self, reframing painful experiences with understanding and validation.

• Focuses on strengths and lessons learned rather than just the pain.

  • Example: Despite everything, what strengths have you developed from these experiences?

5. Developing a New Perspective on Family Roles

• Helps the client explore:

  • Who do I want to be in my family system moving forward?

  • How can I redefine my role without guilt or resentment?

• Encourage boundary-setting narratives, such as:

  • I can appreciate my father’s support while maintaining my independence.

Helpful activities:

• Write a "story of my family relationship" from an observer’s perspective.

• Identify three moments where she exercised independence from family expectations.

• Journal on the prompt: “If I could rewrite my relationship with my [father], what would it look like?”

Goal of This Approach:
By using Narrative Therapy, the client can detach from painful family patterns, process emotions without feeling trapped, and create a self-empowering narrative that supports healing.

Contact Bee Blissful today if you’d like to work through some of your family dynamics.